Third Space? You Can't Handle a Third Space.

Sorry! They require you to think beyond black and white.

I’m Hot and Bothered

And unfortunately it’s not in an exciting, saucy way. Most of the time I find myself writing crankily for fun, this is one of the few times I’m writing from genuine annoyance. Decidedly less fun.

Internet discourse happens so often that in order to accurately report upon, or just engage with all of it it— would require me to give up my full-time job and resign myself to death by terminal brain rot. Ideally it would be quick and painless, but I fear it wouldn’t be. But this particular conversation, just 9 days old (an entire decade in Internet years) speaks to a couple concerns I’ve had rolling around my brain off and on for the last few months. Let’s begin.

Like Any Good Discourse, It Started With a TikTok

Content creator Anayka She posted a video primarily joking that cashiers at the grocery store don’t say hello anymore or that its becoming more difficult to find someone to help you find the cereal aisle. I’d link it, but the video has since been taken down. Yeah, we know what that usually means.

People were fumed.

Comments on the subject have ranged from the completely reasonable:

“Not every hour of my shift is a joy, sometimes I’m tired and forget or don’t have it in me.”

To others which can only be described as a reach as far as the eye can see:

“I’m not your therapist, why should I be expected to talk to you.”

“You’re not a celebrity, no one has to help you find anything.”

“The expectation to be spoken to by employees is classist.”

Because the video has since been deleted, I can’t give you the full play by play of the comment section, I really really wish I could. But like any good anger-inducing TikTok, it spawned more. I’d love to tell you that the responses to this video fell across a spectrum, full of possible solutions, points of view, etc. But they just… didn’t.

Customer Service Does Look Different Today

The customer service experience today has changed, that’s absolutely true. That said, I don’t think it’s all for the negative. If you’re at your local grocery store unloading marital problems on an unsuspecting employee, clocked in to their job, I’d say you’re in the wrong. That’s not part of their role, they really aren’t your therapist. Hope that helps! The same goes for using service workers as your personal punching bag and outlet for working through all that weird sad anger you have. There’s not enough money in the world... You’re being extremely weird.

On the other end, I was recently at Target and happened to be in the staffed check-out lane (extremely rare these days.) The employee had AirPods in and was clearly chatting with a friend, when I asked a question about the receipt she raised a finger and shushed me. Yeah, that’s also pretty weird.

But Our Social Skills Look Different Too

‘Strategist Tries Not to Mention the Social Effects of the Pandemic Challenge’ and I’m losing. Sorry! I have to, because much like the pandemic itself, it’s REAL!

This survey finds that more than 50% of Gen Z respondents would say yes, their social skills are getting worse.

From 2003 to 2022, American adults reduced their average hours of face-to-face socializing by about 30 percent. That number continues to rise.

I’d include myself in this. I used to ask questions with ease, toss light jokes into polite conversation. It’s hard now. Small talk feels increasingly impossible. I was reading an article from Bon Appetit for work (stay with me) that cited the rise of cocktail/dinner clubs created with the intent to build community and facilitate friendships specifically for Millennials and Gen Z.

“Maybe this is a consequence of our generation and living digitally, but I feel like if I were to randomly go up to people and talk to them, they would probably be creeped out,” - Alessandra Abelli

My first thought was aw! My second was, wait yeah— maybe they would? When so much of our lives are lived online, whether that means working remotely with no colleagues to join you for your 3PM Diet Coke or spending your evenings couch-bound taking in the faces of your fyp, ‘IRL’ becomes hard when so much interaction happens onscreen.

And That Social Atrophy is Showing Up Online Too

Let’s go back to those comments I quoted before. TikTok has created an environment in which there are two ways to be:

01 Right

02 Wrong

Now, let’s be real, that divisiveness was certainly not birthed on TikTok. It’s existed on the Internet and within the American political system 😀 for years. But the platform facilitates black and white thinking to the extreme, it rewards it with higher likes and view counts. And while some creators use this knowledge to gamify the platform for their own gain, most users have just accepted it as the way of the World. (It’s not <3)

The videos that kicked me into action on this piece are from creator NotWildin. His first talks the above grocery conversation, saying that the same generation that bemoans lack of community and things “taking a village” that most don’t have, are the same who use loaded language in comment sections, saying the emotional labor of “hello” is too great to expect. A later video he says this (edited for length, btw)

“I don’t want to hear y’all talk about third spaces ever again. You’re using class consciousness rhetoric to get around the fact you don’t want to say hello. That’s cool that you don’t want to say hello, but that’s not class consciousness. It’s about being pro-social, do you have pro-social habits?

Everyone wants to be a social commentator or social freedom fighter but you lack social skills. …When you get on here (TikTok) and talk about there being no third spaces or nowhere for people to hang out or go, you actually don’t have the social skills to engage with people of wide, various backgrounds who aren’t pre-vetted by you. The people who would be within a third space.”

The Third Space Conversation

First, I want to acknowledge that a grocery store, retail space, somewhere that the interaction is between someone on the clock and someone off the clock is not a third space. The conversation around customer service employees saying hello and being social enough to build community are not identical, but there is overlap between the two in that it starts to acknowledge our broader ability (or lack of) to connect and build polite rapport or meaningful relationships with people in our communities today.

That said, what is a third space then?

Sociologist Ray Oldenburg coined the term third space in his book, The Great Good Place. Here’s his criteria:

What Makes A “Third Space”

• Accessibility: Third spaces are open and easily accessible to anyone.

• Neutral ground: Anyone can enter without an invitation, and there's no obligation to be there.

• Unstructured: People can come and go as they please.

• Conversational: Conversation is the main activity, and witty banter is common.

• Playful: The tone is playful, and there's no tension or hostility.

• Leveling effect: There's no emphasis on individual status.

• Regulars: Regulars help set the tone and mood, and attract newcomers.

• Cozy feel: The inside of a third space is wholesome and not extravagant.

• Near home or work: Ideally, a third space is within walking distance of home or work.

Do those characteristics sound like the Starbucks in your suburb? Where everyone silently works, headphones on, completely separately? Avoiding eye-contact at all costs?

Third spaces hold a place in history not just for facilitating friendship and community, but making meaningful societal change.

I’m linking yet another video here that has a great in-depth explanation of how third spaces can instigate societal change, referencing it’s importance during the Civil Rights Movement for example.

Do We Even Want a Third Space?

When you take a look at the comment section on videos like the above and others, it’s clear that we’ve become accustomed to a digital-world tailored specifically to us. Our likes, our dislikes, our values, even our aesthetics. Our right, our wrong. And with in-person social skills diminishing, it’s easy to say that we’ve moved there. Digital-World is World.

When a third space requires an array of differences to facilitate community and the only place you can exhibit “pro-social” behavior is at your home, logged into your apps, or in places specifically tailored to you, then the environment doesn’t seem to be the issue here.

Sitting and Waiting Does Not Equal Community

I think unknowingly or not, we don’t realize that fruit to be yielded from a third space comes from the fact that it is not a one-note, solely catered environment. I think the conversation around building more meaningful connections within our neighborhoods, cities, etc, especially between those in the younger generations is huge and extraordinarily necessary.

The community is there, it’s just not being delivered in a steady, hyper-tailored algorithmic drip. The community is for you, it’s just not fyp.

A third space won’t always exist the exact way we want it, that’s the beauty of it.

Our penchant for black and white thinking, thinking that often alienates us from each other for things both big and small causes us to be averse to spaces like this. (And some of which, within reason. I’m not saying we should explore places so different from core values, lived experience, etc that they become dangerous.) Community more often than not, will not court us. We initially engage with it and then it begins to engage with us. It’s something built, not ‘followed.’

Did That Train of Thought Make Sense?

Back to the impetus of this conversation, when discourse between pleasantries online becomes so divisive we’re saying “fuck you” to each other over “hello.” I think we need a breath of fresh air and a pulse-check. As I sit here, firmly logged-on, eyes to screen I almost find myself a little worried that people will be mad at me for this take. I worry it’s become normal to tense-up and wait for the comment gut-punch, explaining why you’re not only wrong, but inherently evil.

(If you’re listening to the audio version right now, enjoy my fuck up 🙏🏻)

All to say, build community at your own pace (or don’t!) You are not obligated as a retail employee to braid customers hair and listen to their woes ad nauseam (that is literally, so weird.) Be nice as often as possible (sorry, no alternative option here!) And don’t be mad at me. (You can be, just do it in private please.)

Bye love you,