30 Things
Not recommendations, No Ins, No Outs, Just Items
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I am exactly 30 thirty years old right this second. How thrilling for me, perhaps a little ‘who cares’ for you. There are meaningful, poetic pieces about the passage of time and even turning 30 across the Internet. I did a version* of one here. Today however, I just wanted to do something fun. Here are 30 items.
Tube Tops
I’ll be brave and tell you the truth: the tube top is a timeless piece. After years hidden from the light, deprived out of fear of them “not looking good on me” I was introduced to the tube top this year. There is no way this cylindrical garment will not look good on you. They can be horny, they can be chic, I’m sure one of you could even make it feel mild-mannered and modest if you wanted to. (Pics if so.)
“That’s Great, Honey.”
I’m going to tru to start implementing this in both an earnest way and in a “damn that’s crazy, can we wrap this up?” way. Stay tuned!
Driving Somewhere in Your Pajamas
I did this today, it was great. If you’re a rule follower like me with a limited sense of adventure this will make you feel like Lana Del Rey in the Ride video. Arms wrapped around a biker 20 years your senior, wind in your hair, living.
*Note: the only time this hasn’t served me was when I was a victim of a hit and run in a gas station. I ended up running down the street in just a Budweiser T-shirt screaming, “are you fucking kidding me?” Add pants.
Tracking Your Health a Normal Amount
We may have to revisit this together later, but I think we may be over-surveilling ourselves. There are of course obvious benefits to health/fitness tracking but I think a surplus of apps, rings, glasses, wearables, cams, etc etc. starts to tiptoe into ‘were we ever supposed to know this much about anything ever?’ territory. This is high-level, I’m aware of nuance. Please don’t yell at me, next!
Admitting You Don’t Have Lore
The recent Internet has had an obsession with lore lately. Social media specifically is a relentless battle of who can be the coolest and most interesting all the time so the lore-offs are to be expected. Realistically, having a bad boyfriend or flirting with your slightly older boyfriend while at your K-Mart job in high school is probably not lore. But you know what it could be? Hot juicy goss about yourself. “My Hot Juicy Goss” is more fun to present to a room of friends or Internet full of strangers anyway.
Telling Yourself Your Boobs or Ass Looks HUGE
A couple years ago at my friend Jameela’s 30th birthday, I tried to throw ass ✋🏻😔
Me, 5ft and recently told by my mother (it’s her birthday today too, btw) I had “pancake butt” had no ass to throw. I was unaware of this. Instead of letting stunned, pity-silence fill the room, Jameela looked at me eyes deadly serious and said, “damn it’s going crazyyy.”
Now, without fail, we do this all the time. If you need a little boost in your new outfit or a little spice to pump up your night out, look in the mirror and say, “wow my boobs look giant!” or “Wow, my ass is going crazy!” it doesn’t matter the true definitions of the words “huge” “giant” or even “crazy.” It does, they do!
Phoebe Judge: This is Criminal and/or This is Love
These are two podcasts I love, hosted by (you guessed it! Phoebe Judge!) Her voice alone will have you drawn in within seconds. Criminal is obvious, in that it’s about different crimes. However, they are not all the darkest, graphic, most dreary. One episode focuses on how giant dinosaur footprints ended up on a beach in a small town. It’s great.
The second, This is Love is beautiful. It focuses on relationships of all kinds, our connection to each other and real stories of those connections through time. The most recent episode shares all the things we didn’t know about Goodnight Moon.
Being Annoying is Not a Cancelable Offense
As much as we’d like it to be! I’m sorry guys, I cannot stress enough, even though it feels like it, being annoying is not a crime. We just have to let those people be and keep moving.
Give Up Beige Aesthetics
You’re hiding your life behind your beige Instagram. Sorry, next!
“I Hate Small Talk”
You perhaps enjoy talking but don’t enjoy listening— lets call a spade a spade. You can never get to Big Talk if you can barely ask about how someone’s day was or what they like. Now, imagine me screaming this phrase every time I come across a man’s dating profile that says “I hate small talk.”
Where are the New (and Accessible) Man Repellers?
Before the shit hit the fan with Man Repeller, I loved seeing the loud outfits Leandra Cohen wore. Today, I still occasionally check in at the Cereal Aisle, but a $435 feather scarf, $75 socks, $2,000 blah blah blah is not
alwaysever in my budget. I’m seeking man-repelling fashion girls on Substack, please drop me a note with some if you have recs!Are Hot Guys Reading This and Thinking, “What the Fuck?” Oh Well, Lets Keep Going.
01 probably not
02 I had this sentence at the very bottom of my notes app for who knows how many years
03 if you are hot and reading this: hey
Angel Baby Journaling
Or what our foremothers would call “scrap booking.” I’m in ohio, I have lots of photos, I have lots of scrap, it was only a matter of time before I booked it. My Angel Baby Journal Time is very important to me. I set out with no rules other than “I am scrapbooking photos X event today.” Then I let the spirit of my scrapbooking mothers before me take over. A fun bit, instead of buying scrapbooks I’ve been thrifting old books to fill instead. Currently filling “Tall Tales.’
Owning a Glue Gun
See above and this literally filled me with so much dopamine I almost forgot I hate January.
Boycotting Infantilized “Adult-kid” Brands
I know they’re cute but I’m a little yawned out by brands like Goodles, Magic Spoon, Ricely, even Poppi. I don’t think the 1% higher protein count and ambiguous, disproven gut health claims make it worth it. They almost feel ickier than Kraft Mac’s powdered cheese.
It felt fun at first Song Lyrics as Captions Again
I’m going to start doing this this year. You can join me, but know I’ll forge ahead either way. I loved a song lyric caption. It’s a window into the psyche. What message are we sending? What mood are we trying to set? Now we cry on video and hit post. Yes, I know you can set a song against your Instagram photos but all that does if jolt your followers upright and make them hit mute. Instead, make them wonder! Create mystique, etc etc.
A Reasonable Amount of Gatekeeping
Just putting it out there! Nothing too shitty, nor too petty. Maybe we shouldn’t demand access to everything all of the time! I trust your judgement.
Shame
Micro-dosing shame 2025? LMK.
Apps That Promise to turn Any Photo into a 35mm Photo
I find these apps punishing. You only see these edits on the worst social feeds your eyes have ever beheld. I’ve been getting ads for these apps and I’m genuinely insulted.
“Girlhood” Writing
What do we think? I consistently see dialogue around this topic among other writers, especially that this topic has become “ubiquitous.” Is it ubiquitous? Or do we just have more access to it? You’re just… seeing it more? The criticisms I see around these pieces often assume the author is trying to hock their writing for merit or public consumption, some sort of fame-payoff. I’m introducing the (novel!) idea that some people use their blogs as a personal/private space to just write without fame or attention in mind. (UhHhhH, def not me)
I guess what I’m saying is this: I’m sure there were other women who shared similar sentiments to Joan Didion or whoever the other fuck authors before. And no offense, but with the way the algorithm works no shit they use vaguely similar phrases and tonality— none of us are exempt from linguistic brain-rot trends. Let them write! You don’t have to read it.
MAC Lipliner in ‘Whirl’
This is literally just the best lip liner I’ve ever owned ever. Next!
Beloved PBS Classic: Antiques Roadshow
I don’t know who and I don’t know what, but we need to find the perfect collaborator for Antiques Roadshow to work with to shoot them upward in the clout pipeline thus giving them the public fandom they so deeply deserve. (I know they already have a lot of it, I’m a Roadhead myself but more is more.)
Thinking You’re Ugly Sometimes
I cannot stress enough the importance of allowing yourself to be ugly. It’s actually great. When I see a bad photo of me I say, “yes, I look like that.” When I see an amazing photo of me I say, “yes, I look like that.” It’s impossible for everything to be beautiful all the time, free yourself!!! Congrats on being both ugly and stunning.
There is No Such Thing as an Amazon “Must Have”
For the sake of transparency I use Amazon. Trying to make a concerted effort to wean myself off this year. I will say this mantra every time convenience tries to woo me.
Being a Little Worse in Some Areas and Better in Others
I haven’t quite decided how I want to be worse this year, but I’ll be workshopping ideas through February. If you have suggestions I’m all ears. I think being worse could be fun.
Cancelling Last Minute / Not Showing Up
If you get mad when it happens to your friends on dates or you simply can picture yourself sitting at home waiting for a knock that never comes or at a coffee shop for a friend who never arrives, you have enough good sense to not do this to people. Especially if you’re 30 and up.
Mermaids (The Movie)
I saw this movie too young and I think it may have changed the trajectory of my life. It’s Cher, Winona Rider, and Christina Ricci at an absolute 90’s (but set in the 60’s) best.
watching this tn The Cher Show
I am addicted to Cher, at my 30th birthday we played the entire first season of the Cher show on loop. Now I put it on my TV and walk around my house— perfect ambiance. Here it is for you! CherCherCherCher
Bonus: every dramatic outfit reveal from the Cher shown season one
Extreme Outfit Repeating
Join me in trying to become a cartoon character this 2025 season. I personally should shop less, as its my unfortunate hobby. Making an effort to shop my closet and develop a Greatest Hits Collection of outfits.
Lying
Ope!
Not anymore!
would highly recommend a substack called Esque (previously Human Repeller) by Em Seely-Katz for number 11! they have amazing unique style and always emphasize that fashion doesn’t have to be inaccessibly expensive to be interesting 🤍
I recently voiced to a friend that Mermaids would be my desert island movie, and I stand by that choice. Also, check out antiques roadtrip on PBS. Also, good list. Can’t wait to see how you decide to be worse—sounds thrilling